Male sexuality or the way we are used to think about it: is mostly in a very simplified form of erection, cheating and being horny 24/7. But is that simple? As we have been traveling deeper into the sexuality of vulva holders, it seems that sexual exploration of all the other genders is still running behind.
We surely are getting better, (high appreciation to all sex positive advocates and educators for all the work) and penis holders began to feel more free in the world of sex positivity and ethical sexuality but there are still things that we do not talk enough. There is much more then 5, and much deeper than this, but something to start us all thinking.
1. I kissed a girl and I liked it vs I want to kiss a boy and now what?
By now female (especially cisgender women) sexual fluidity is not a surprise to many of us and feel pretty “normal” even very sexy to many of us. And kissing a girl is not necessary boxing anyone socially under any sexual identity labels (it still can create inner conflict for some). However, it seems that cisgendered male are stripped from such luxury much more.
What it means for someone who identify as a straight man and are clear on “who they are” but maybe once in a while want to suck a dick or be touched by another male, or be dildo fucked by their girlfriend. Well, it can mean anything you want it to mean and it can mean nothing more than that person wanting to perform this particular action.
We frequently mixed our feelings, desires, behaviors with our identities. This is what I want, this is what I do, therefore this who I am. Well not necessary. Sexuality is not linear, nor it is static. It can be very dynamic and changing practice.
Sexual Desire - can be sexual, romantic and/or emotional attractions that a person may have for others.
Sexual Behavior - romantic and/or sexual actions that person may engage in.
Sexual Identity - how someone sees and name their sexuality.
Desires do not necessarily reflect behavior, and behavior does not necessarily match with identity the way we are used them to.
The same way, fantasizing about flying the plane does not make you a pilot. Nor does cooking for your family make you a chef cook.
1.a Anal play is only for gay men
Nothing makes you straight or gay, except your own choice of identification. Anal canal has no gender, and carry no preferences. It is simply another use of your body to create pleasure and release. A lot of straight identifying males robbing selves from some good pleasure, simply because of labels, not because they tried and didn’t like.
2. Emotional connection
Gender “norms” teach men to be tough, unemotional, know everything. How does that impact their sexuality? Casual sex? Relations to partners? How we can expect men to be emotionally connected and sexually inteliggent when we are keep teaching them not to ask for help, expecting to be tough and hide any weaknesses. Now I am not holding anyone small nor do give passes for excuses, I am inviting all of us together to look more into emotional connection availability and how we all can create more vulnerability, openness and connection.
3. Male in sex industry
In the past several years human rights of sex workers became a louder conversation. Still not loud enough, more to cover, to accept and to change. But inside of that, male sexuality is covered even less. What about male porn stars, sex workers, entertainers, escorts...Do we talk how it impacts their sexuality, spirituality and life well being? Sluts vs studs, how we over-sexualize some privileged sex workers and ignore that others even exist.
4. Racial and Economic
We also have sexual stereotypes and tendencies to over sexualize, fetishize and under-sexulize men from different backgrounds and “types” (yes same happens to people with other genders as well). We all heard that black men must be big and great in bed, asian men are more gentle, French men always horny and fuck 24/7, for Jewish men don’t even matter they just need to be rich, Scandinavian men don’t even have sex, and all gay men of all backgrounds are sluts.
And with all that men tend to put certain expectations on ourselves, trying to fit these boxes or escape them, trying to prove something to others. All that impacts the way men can feel about self, own sexuality and manhood (another definitions that needs to be redefined).
Although female bodied and transitioned folks tend to have more body insecurities, so do men. Eating disorders including orthorexia and excessive exercises taking over more and more male bodied people as well. As a society we have social stereotypes that bigger bodied men are having hard time having sex, that slimmer men are having hard time finding partners (not so much among gay men), men with physical body challenges are not having sex at all. We have these assumptions for many reasons, one we are not used to see these types of bodies in mainstream porn, nor in the magazines nor oftenly in hollywood movies. So in our mind that is “atypical” form of male sexuality. We also are condition how "sexy" should look like, and instead of focusing on sexuality as part of energy we are focusing on outer looks.
If you need help stepping into your sexuality, discover new thing, or just reassurance that you are normal get an hour session with me and together we will create magical experience for you. I do phone sessions and skype sessions.