I got my first vibrator when I was in high school. Fully trusting judgement of Sex and the City I got my the purple rabbit. But it took me several years to actually become real friends I would say souls friends with my rubber friend. Back then, not many of my friends understood why I have a vibrator and even less how can I love it. I heard tons of jokes, curious questions and some of that sometimes made me feel ashamed. I always was very self conscious about my body, so fat girl having a vibrator made me question “does this make me look like I cannot get a partner?”, “does it means I am ugly?”.
So. the part of cultural sex toy shaming did made me feel like I was less of and something must wrong with me. However, the joy and some sense of sexual empowerment inside of me made me keep the purple and keep enjoying it's magical powers.
Today most of my friends have vibrators. We take trips to sex shops in home cities and cities we travel to, we share our updates and experience on this fast growing field of technological trends.
I also have tons of discussions and educational conversations with my clients about sex toys for different purposes and use.
Here I want to talk to people who are finding hard time using vibrators for own pleasure.
Now you might find yourself in a conversation that masturbation gives you no pleasure, that it feels like waste of time, that what is the reason if I have a partner, that no matter what I try I cannot please myself as well as my partner(s) do.
You might also find yourself thinking about some of these myths about sex toys:
Sex Toy Myth #1 Vibrators are for loners and losers.
Sex Toy Myth #2 If you need vibrator to have an orgasm, there's something wrong with you.
Sex Toy Myth #3 If you will enjoy your vibrator in partner sex, partner will be left out.
Sex Toy Myth #4 Vibrators are addictive.
Sex Toy Myth #5 Vibrators are unnatural
Sex Toy Myth #6 If you have a partner you don't need a vibrator
Sex Toy Myth #7 Sex toys are morally wrong
You might still have some sort of believes about self pleasuring, however if you are reading this you probably want to change some things. I believe masturbation, self pleasuring, solo sex all that and then more all is a journey. And as every journey it requires some time, energy and acceptance input into it.
In regards of “unsuccessful” self pleasure toys dates I mostly hear my clients saying:
"I tried many times and it does not work"
"It feel very weird"
"I cannot relax"
"Doing it myself just does nothing"
Yes, all that might absolutely true. We know that not all relationship end up working. However, I highly encourage you to be aware of some of these ideas below and maybe give it try before giving up.
1. Build a Relationship
Yes. Like any other relationship. This magical friend is going inside of you, so you need at least to like them. Touch, smell, lick, eat a whip out of it, anything that floats your boat but set some time to meet your toy and appreciate them before starting to play. It might sound silly, but bonding is important. It will support you in shifting your perspective. If you like some woo-woo stuff, meditate with it, put some energy thought into it, say some appreciations words. Become friends.
2. Choose Quality Toys
In creating that love, what will support you is choosing quality toys. By quality I don’t mean $500 vibrators, but it is important for it to have qualities you want and value. Choosing a toy (any toys) is a pretty individual process based on your needs, likes and dislikes, what type of stimulation you want (external, internal, both) waterproof? Does it important for you who made it? Besides that you want consider safety and choose body friendly non-toxic materials like 100% sIlicone, wood (make sure it has body safe coating), stainless steel, natural stone.
Sometimes we come to sex with our ready agenda and a plan. We are looking for certain experiences and needing to get to certain points. But what if you just play. Play with your whole body (choke self, pull your own hair, play with your nipples), play with different toys interchangeably, have fun with no agenda.
Keep connecting to your body, any time you find yourself thinking about how silly or stupid this is, about how many emails you have to read, just focus on your breath and allow yourself to make love to yourself.
5. Setting self to win
You might be alone in the room, but it does not diminish the idea that you are still making love. So, make sure it is a safe enjoyable environment whatever that means to you. Music, candles, aromatherapy..If you need lube make sure to use one, if you need butt plug have that it. If adrenalin is your thing have the door open (kidding...)
Now this post is not promoting toys over your own powerful hands or any other of your favorite forms of self pleasuring. Keep doing what you loving. This post is for those, who tried and gave up, never really trying.
Give yourself time, don't give up if the first time is not as magical as you saw on TV. But see what you can create using these tools.
Self pleasuring is an art, it is a dance between your body, soul, and mind. It can awake your deepest passion, and ignite your wildest sides of you, it can create self love and acceptance, self worship and beyond magical relationship with yourself once and forever.
If you need help choosing your toys or shifting conversation around self pleasure get an hour session with me and together we will create magical experience for you and your juicy body. I do phone sessions as well sex shop field trips in NYC.
You have everything within to experience blissfulness of love making with yourself.