Creating passion is daily work. Yes, the same way you shower every day, the same way you do not live on yesterdays food, you get to cultivate that sexual energy daily. Passion does not start at 9pm at night. Everything that you do during the day, impacts your sexual mood and sexual relationship!
How do I create passion in my relationship?
Let’s talk solutions to bring sexy back!
1. First and foremost, and above all else: COMMUNICATE!!
No one is a mind reader! It does not matter if you have been together 2 years or 22 years, I assure you that while your partner may know you quite well, they are not a mind reader and they do not know how you are feeling or thinking unless you SAY IT OUT LOUD. To THEM. (Not your partner’s brother/ best friend/ etc.)
Also while we’re talking about communication, social media doesn’t count as communicating with your partner!
This passive aggressive 2020 baloney of: “Let me post a meme on FB and think my partner will see it and read between the lines and know that was directed at them” kinda thing is NOT communicating. With that said…
2. Some Communication is Better than None!
You do not have to have all the answers, (or any for that fact!) and what you say does not have to be perfect, but you do have to start somewhere. Some suggestions to be more successful in your communication:
- Keep things clear, concise, and directed on the concerns and issues at hand.
- Try to avoid bringing up that thing that happened 5 years ago that somehow gets brought up in every conversation since then and focus on ONLY your sexual relationship and relationship issues directly related to that to start.
- Aim to verbalize what is not working for you, how you are feeling, and if there are any perceived feelings of inequality in the relationship. No one likes to feel taken advantage of, invalidated, unheard, unloved, or unsupported. NO ONE.
- Discuss with your partner how sex/ lack of sex makes you feel and then problem solve TOGETHER.
If Mom feels she is responsible for running the household and rearing the children in addition to working a full time job, and that this leaves her too tired to be present in her relationship and in particularly her sexual relationship, then she must discuss with her partner how they can shift this balance in responsibility together.
What tasks/ responsibilities can her partner take on to lighten her load and redistribute the responsibilities? What would make both partners feel more equal in the relationship? Keep in mind that while aiming to have a relationship be 50/50 the majority of the time is an admirable goal, that often times, the power and responsibility shifts and flows throughout the course of the relationship. The goal here is not 50/50 delegation of tasks, but rather both partners feel heard, validated, and supported in the relationship. Don’t forget you are a TEAM! You chose to have a relationship with this person for a reason.
Don’t forget to keep choosing them Every. Single. Day.
3. Choosing You Partner Everyday Means:
making an effort within your relationship. Like doing the dishes when you don’t want to, putting the kids to bed because you know your partner had a long day, holding hands, setting up the coffee maker for your partner who gets up early, expressing gratitude for and to your partner, volunteering to take care of dinner, asking how their day was (and REALLY paying attention when they answer,) sending a text to let them know you are thinking about them, (maybe even mention a sexy thought you’re thinking and get them thinking about it too!) leaving post it notes…. Whatever it is that communicates love, connection, and choosing your partner every day, DO IT. Find what works for you as a couple to connect and to make your partner feel chosen by you. Consider reading “The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman and working to speak your partner’s love language. Your communication, your connection, and likely your spark will increase exponentially if you do!
4. Schedule Routine Time to Connect
“Failing to plan is planning to fail.” While it may sound completely unsexy to schedule time to connect, it is SO IMPORTANT! Our partner deserves the best of us, not what is left of us. Sadly, because of life’s demands getting in the way and simply forgetting to make connection and sex a priority, we forget about it and it doesn’t happen! This is a bummer but is an easy fix in theory, even if not so in execution necessarily. Plan your time together. Maybe it’s scheduling sex or just scheduling time together to do something, just the 2 of you. Eliminate distractions and make your partner feel like the most important person on earth during this time. Make a plan that involves just the 2 of you, connecting, in whatever way that feels meaningful and good for both of you. Some examples: Play a board game, complete an escape room together, go on a road trip, hold hands, play 20 questions, etc. Whatever you do, do it together with a conscious intention to be with your partner fully during this time.
5. Cultivate Your own Sexual Energy
Yes your individual sexuality comes first! If sexual energy is not moved around it gets static and starts creating blockages. What do you do to awaken your erotic energy?
Nutrition and movement
Working through sexual and emotional traumas
Enjoying your energy and allowing it to flow
Expressing your emotions
Safety and belonging
Cultivating your creativity
Connect with your body
Eye connection with people
Read 3 Ways to Reconnect With Your Own Sexuality
Read 5 Ways of Sexual Self-Care
6. Increase Erotic Energy
Yes, you might see your partner as your best friend, and they might be. You love them to the moon and back. And it is great. But sexual energy needs to be cultivated. Things that need to be done daily
Physical touch (hug and kiss)
An easy goal to implement is to give your partner a 6 second minimum greeting when they get home… 6 seconds to hug, kiss, touch them, say hello, look in their eyes- connect…. Before the dog jumps on you both, the kids demand to be fed and the phone rings. For 6 seconds your partner is the ONLY thing that exists.
Choose time to connect during the day, and have longer eye gazing sessions during the week.
Weekly movement together (dancing, exercise)
Watching erotic media together
Sharing your fantasies
Trying to go to bed together as much as possible
Going on real dates
Playing sexual games
7. Have an Attitude of Gratitude
Express to your partner what you appreciate about them. Thank them when appropriate and pay attention to the small things! Acknowledge them for who they are and what the do. Help each other to feel seen and appreciated. Gratitude has a direct correlation with happiness.
8. Switch it up!
Initiate sex/ challenge your partner to try to do so differently each time to keep things interesting, rekindle the spark, and make things fun and unpredictable! Similarly, switch up when and where you have sex. The kids are down for a nap? Take advantage and go take a shower together! Your mother-in-law volunteered to keep them tonight? GREAT!! You’ll see them tomorrow and focus on your partner tonight. Remember that sex is FUN and that the options are limitless if you’re willing and able to put in some effort and be creative.
10. Stop Parenting Each Other
Unless age play is part of your power dynamics, you should not be parenting your partners. I know I know, it is hard to resist because your way is the right way, and you know better how your partner should be behaving. But no one like to be told what to do, and yes it kills your sexy vibe. Falling into parent - child dynamic is very common among long-term relationships, and is one of the most popular sexual vibe killers. Some signs of parenting in relationships
Telling your partner what they should and should not be doing
Controlling your partner (this one sometimes very hard to spot, but we all are doing it)
Babying your partner
Doing the work that your partners needs to be doing
Keep making the effort every single day and remember that you have choices! You have choices of whether you speak to your partner from a place of love, compassion, curiosity and understanding. You have a choice if your communication comes from a place of blame, judgement, and desire to control as well. If you are unsatisfied in your relationship, speak up! Problem solve TOGETHER!!
Let go of blame and judgment and work as a team to talk about what isn’t working and how you can proceed. Most importantly, CHOOSE your partner, your relationship, and your level of sexual satisfaction in your relationship every single day.