Some of us who love sex might say yes, sex a solution to everything. Those who dislike sex or maybe hate sex, might say sex is a problem and certainly not a solution.

In this post I want to discuss times in life when we are using sex to fulfill and heal parts that have nothing to do with sex. And therefore maybe sex itself is not always a problem.

Photo by Maru Lombardo on Unsplash

Some of us put lots of pressure on sex. It is like going to optometrist and expecting them to fix (not even to heal) problems with metabolism. And the same way sometimes, we are looking for sex to fix our non-sexual needs like:

  • Wanting to feeling good enough, or feel better about ourselves

  • Increasing self-esteem

  • Desire to feel attractive

  • Reassurance of being sexually desirable

  • Hunger for connection and touch

  • Validation of our masculinity and femininity

  • Need to feel needed

  • Way to express anger

  • Way to feel control and power

  • ....

As Dr. Marty Klein says in his book Sexual Intelligence "most of us have emotional needs that we try to address with sex, but sex is not the best way to satisfy them. Attempting to indirectly get validation, reassurance, and other psychological fulfillment from sex - especially if we don't admit our agenda to ourselves or inform our partner - makes sex complicated, unpredictable, and a lot of work."

That is what contributes sex to feel dry, empty and dead. Because we are not able to experience what we are looking for, even if it has nothing to with sex. And that is when sex feels more like a problem.

Most of us do want that pleasure and magical experience, but it is hard to get to when our basic needs are still limping. It is also pretty hard to feel fully (emotionally, spiritually, physically) fulfilled after the sex, when what you were looking for was a completely different need. In fact as Dr. Marty Klein says, "sex can't deliver what they want through genital excellence."

Many of my own clients come to realization that they use sex as a drug to fill inner emptiness, feeling of loneliness and desire to prove that they are good enough. I myself was surely a part of this conversation. All my life having low body self esteem, I always needed evidence that I am desired, so collecting my sexual trophies was part of my "winning" game. I was not aware that actually I was loosing.

What I was hungry for was true connection with humans, self and universe. And I was looking to feed myself at the wrong places with wrong actions.

We also use sex, to run away to create numbness same way we use alcohol or drugs. Many of us feel that during sex life stops, there is no problems and no issues. Some of us want to get problems to be "fucked" out of us. (this is different from intentional therapeutic use of sex)

But goals to fulfill self esteem, numb, or run away are not true essence of sex. And will not serve you in creating healthy, sacred, real, powerful, healing, raw, pleasurable sex.


  • Write down times when you were using sex to fill other needs besides sexual

  • Ask self what am I looking to get out of this exact sexual experience?

  • If you are having hard time seeing it, but experience sex as empty and dry reach out for some support to professionals

  • Keep doing the work =)