What is good sex? How often we should have sex? Is it OK to....? These are common questions I get as a sex educator and sex coach.
We are conditioned to think that there are certain rules and requirements outside of ourselves that makes sex good. The truth is that we all have our own unique desires, senses, and needs that makes our definition of "good sex" very individual. But because we are so sexually disempowered, instead of looking inside we keep looking at external advises. So, here is my external advise on what makes sex good
1. KNOW YOUR DESIRES
Connect to what is that you like. Ask yourself
What would want to experience if I knew I would not be shamed?
What are the sensual experiences I like having?
What type of touch?
What environment I like?
Do I like pain? Like to Talk during sex? Whisper, dirty talk, scream, quite, humiliation, name calling...
2. COMMUNICATE YOUR DESIRES
We all know communication is a key to healthy relationships, to productive work environment and truly to most of the human interaction. However, when it comes to sex we think "he supposed to know by now", "well I except her to know it, everyone knows it", I mean unless your partner(s) is a high level psychic the possibility of them knowing is on the lower side. First of all, we all are different and unique and partners they had before liekely had different happy points. Second of all, we ourselves not always know what we like how do we expect other people to know it. Third, our desires change depending on many factors and it is important to be able to communicate what is needed at that present moment in order to create authentic experience. Communication can look many different ways, but you want to make sure your message was received.
3. YES IT IS OK
Give yourself permission to create experiences that you want, without fear, shame or judgement. If something gives you pleasure and it is not nonconsensual harm to other people, it is ok. No matter how weird it sounds or is against what you think is normal. It is ok.
4. HAVE FUN
Sex is messy. I mean think about all smells, liquids, accidental farts, unplanned hair in your mouth, unusual tastes.....why we even have sex? Because we love or we want to love it, or we try hard to love it. But it is hard to love something when we are stressed about it. And it is easy to be stressed about something we put some much expectation to. When we are focusing on how we look, or afraid of making a mistake, or need to please others, all this weight we put on sex actually makes it harder to like it. Instead of, just try to have fun without focusing on final goal, performance and reputation.
WANT MORE? WHAT CAN YOU DO
Create vulnerable conversations with your partner(s)
Be aware of your sexual fears and sexual beliefs
Connect to your core sexual desires
Find help outside of your relationship
Become your own sexpert
Connect to your body
Keep doing the work =)